nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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