I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
