I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
