the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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