He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
