now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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