I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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