He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
