I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
