My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
