and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize