he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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