WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
