actually, I'm a sock model
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
