when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
