how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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