So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize