she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
