Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
