just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize