yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
