I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
