You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
