I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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