This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
