Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
