it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
