That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
