I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
