did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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