the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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