I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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