Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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