Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
