I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
