and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
