Kareoke will never be a sober sport
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
