MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
