I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
