Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize