I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
