from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
