Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
