Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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