If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
