Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
