if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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