I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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