I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
