plz talk dirty to me
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
