Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
