I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
