you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
