you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
