So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
